Free Yourself from Toxic Relationships
By Dawn and Candace

As teenagers, Mariah and Angela had been close, but as the years marched on they grew apart as good friends sometimes do. Mariah became an in-demand attorney with a big law firm downtown and married a dentist. Angela hooked up with a guy while in college, got pregnant, and is now working at a grocery store. She wants to finish her degree but as a single parent with little support from the father, she hasn’t been able to go back.

Occasionally Mariah and Angela meet for coffee to talk about their lives, but their once easy friendship has turned increasingly sour. Mariah can’t understand why Angela insists on staying with a man who cheats on her (so what if he’s the child’s father?) – and Angela is secretly jealous of her friend’s successful marriage and career.

In fact, every chance she gets, Angela criticizes her friend – her hair, her husband, her long hours at the office. And when did she plan on getting pregnant? She wasn’t young anymore. Wasn’t she worried about her husband leaving her for a younger model?

At first Mariah was confused and took Angela’s criticisms to heart. Normally a confident, cheerful woman, Mariah’s self-esteem sank to an all-time low.

Every time Angela looked at Mariah she couldn’t help but think about the disastrous path her own life had taken. Mariah’s success in seemingly all areas of her life only increased her remorse, bitterness, and jealousy.

Mariah and Angela’s once satisfying relationship had turned toxic. The negative feelings sneaked up on them both over time, and neither woman knew what to do about it. They both considered letting the other go, but the thought was unbearable. After all, they were girls from way back. This too would pass.

 

Toxic waste

Toxic relationships are addictive, and like any addiction, bad for body, mind, and soul.

What holds many of us back is that we actively engage in toxic relationships. We knowingly invite people into our lives who try to tear us down. We keep the relationships going long past their natural death.

Do you find yourself giving everyone in your circle advice, but when something happens in your life they have nothing to offer? They look at you with blank faces, like they just don’t know or, even worse, could care less. You want to help yourself, but at what cost?

Be honest with yourself. When you’re around a certain person, do you feel like you’re on life support? Being on life support means that you can’t breathe on your own. Have you been giving away your power to your “friend?” After a conversation with said friend, do you feel dry, depleted, depressed? Have you grown increasingly dependent on this friend for her approval and opinions?

Toxic relationships poison mind, body, and soul. They create anxiety so that we can’t function. We’re distracted from maintaining daily routines, not to mention our higher purpose in life.

Has a toxic relationship held you hostage for way too long? Have your chaotic emotions leaked out into other areas of your life? Has one harmful relationship damaged your more positive ones? Are you neglecting the healthy relationships because the toxic one is so magnetic and overwhelming?

 

Release, relief!

The need to release toxic relationships is obvious, but is it easy? How often have we held on long past the natural death of a relationship?

When you move out of toxic relationships, you move out of despair, depression, and hopelessness into a place where you can be truthful, loving, and accepting of yourself, your gifts and shortcomings. Most of all, without the oppression of toxic relationships, you feel lighter. You begin to take responsibility for your actions.

There was a Mad TV skit where Bob Newhart, playing a psychologist (go figure), gives only two words of advice to his patients: STOP IT! If only it were that easy, but stopping the madness is absolutely essential to the healing of our souls and lives.

Declare your independence from harmful relationships, and take responsibility for your soul’s healing. You may be in a toxic relationship, but the good news is that becoming aware of how a person makes you feel is a powerful first step toward breathing on your own again.

First, ask yourself the following:

1. When I get done talking to this friend, how do I feel?
   a. Encouraged
   b. Discouraged
   c. Distracted
2. If I am having a great day and I take their call, how do I expect to feel?
   a. Even better
   b. Let down
   c. Nothing at all

 

Toxic relationships can be so addictive, which is why letting them go is so challenging. If you want to see what’s broken in your life, look no further than your own backyard. We (Dawn and Candace) have been friends for over three decades and our friendship has typical ups and downs, but what it has consistently had is a built-in support network for one another. What’s significant about having solid friendships is that a support system will help you weather the storms that are sure to come. A good support system can do more than just help you get by; the right friends can make or break you.

You have a right to supportive, nurturing friendships. They make life joyful and worth living. Today, take the following anecdote to heal from emotional toxicity.

1. Consider going cold turkey and release the toxic friendship. Don’t call the person, don’t email, don’t text message. If you find yourself freaking out a bit, now’s the time to draw on the support of your healthy relationships with family and friends. Let them know what you’re doing and that you may need to call them from time to time. They’ll help you through the dark times.
2. Recognize what a healthy relationship is. It shouldn’t hurt. Does not cause pain. Sustains and nourishes you. Gives joy, healthy love.
3. If need be, learn to be alone for awhile. Re-learn the art of enjoying your own company. Remember that within you is a fount of knowledge and wisdom, but you’ve got to trust yourself.
4. Engage in a process of ruthless self-reflection. How did you get into and stay in such a depleting relationship? Take responsibility for your actions. Forgive yourself and the other person.
5. Decide to never again be taken hostage.

 

Based on Souls Revealed: A Souls of My Sisters Book of Revelations and Tools for Healing Your life, Soul, and Spirit by Dawn Marie Daniels and Candace Sandy (© 2008 by Souls of My Sisters, Inc. New York: Kensington Publishing Corp.)